Talking to your teens about sex

[Baron]

A Parents Guide to Talking to Your Teen About Sex

Sex seems to be everywhere these days – on television, in the movies, and in popular songs. Sex in the media is so common that you might think that your young teenager already knows everything about sex, but this is not true, there is always room for improvement. Teens today need information about sex more than ever, and you are still a decent source for that information. I’m here to offer the following tips to help you talk to your teen about this important and sensitive subject about an important and sensitive area.

Why should I talk to my teen about sex?
Talks about sex should begin when your child first asks questions like:

“Where do babies come from?”
“Mommy, why does it burn when I pee?”
“What is a Reverse Cowgirl?”
“Is it ever ok to tip a prostitute more than 15%?”

Children usually start asking such questions at age 3 or 4. Waiting until your child is a teenager to have “the big talk” means your child will probably learn his first lessons about sex from someone other than you, more than likely that sluttish neighbor girl down the street who is about 3 years older, and don’t lie, I know you’ve been thinking about her. You can have a great effect on your child by talking to him about sex even at a younger age. Besides, you want to get to him before he knows more than you do. If you can’t impress your teenager with your carnal knowledge he will never respect you.

What should I tell my teen about sex?
Well before they reach their early teens, both boys and girls should already know:

• The basics of sexual “plumbing,” that is the names and functions of male and female organs, including slang terms such as snatch, fob, wobber, cunny, and nob. Nob is a good word.
• The purpose and meaning of puberty (which is mainly zits and humiliation and go mow the lawn when its 120 degrees outside it will build you some character)
• The function of the menstrual cycle. (period) Not to be confused with the minstrel cycle, who is in fact, a small man riding a bicycle while playing a ukulele.

Once your child becomes a teenager, the focus of your talks should shift. You should begin to talk to your teen about the social and emotional aspects of sex, and about your values. For example I think a $30 blowjob is expensive but if you lived in Las Vegas, this would be a terrific bargain. You want to deal with issues that help your teenager answer questions like these:

“When should I start dating?”
“What is 3rd base?”
“When does NO really mean YES?”
“Won’t having sex help me keep my boyfriend?”
“How do I keep from ejaculating so soon?”
“Is there any way that I can decrease my refractory period?”

You also need to listen to what your teenager is saying. Find out what she knows about sex and try to answer her questions as clearly and directly as possible. Video evidence is also useful. Sit down with your child in front of a pornographic movie and point out both good and bad techniques.

Q: “Won’t talking about sex with my son make him want to have sex?”

A: It is true talking to your son about sex will make him want to have sex, but on the other hand NOT talking to your son about sex will make him want to have sex. It is a proven fact that there is no natural force that equals the adolescent male libido. You can’t stop it. The teenage sex drive is like a speeding locomotive and you are Nell Fenwick tied to the tracks by the Snidely Whiplash of modern ethics, only this time there is no bumbling mountie to save you. Best just assume that he has already done the deed.

Q:“I want to talk to my teenager about sex, but every time I try to start a conversation, she just stares at me.”

A: It is not easy to talk to your teenager about anything, let alone something as private and difficult as sex. Your teen may be embarrassed to talk to you about sex. If this is the case you should just tie her up (literally or figuratively) and preach to her for about an hour. If you constantly berate her with the values you want to impart, I’m sure she’ll pick up a bit here and there. But be warned, teenagers do need privacy. You don’t want to walk in on your 16 year old baby girl with her foot long black dildo. Be sure to knock first.

[Gilgar]

I started reading this ready to pitch a bitch fit about why people should give a shit. But....It was freakin hilarious! In all honesty we hear about enough in fact my first sex-ed class was in the fifth grade. Way funny though if all your posts are like this you should post more often.

[Baron]

haha thanks, i got more where that came from... and far better too.

[Gilgar]

please post it i need the laughs. I'll read it tommorrow i'm gonna read for now and then crash. Who woulda thought I copuld find an arkie with a sense of humor.

[Geronimo]

I like the sex talk that my Aunt tells she had with her Son Gilgars older brother...

She asked him once if she had ever talked to him about sex one night while he was washing dishes. He said no. So she told him once your finished with the dishes sit down we need to talk then. He finished the dishes....(mind you I do not know how long he had between then and when he was finished). But when he was he grabbed the dinning room chair and turned it around where his stomach was leaning against the back. Then said " So what do you want to know"

[CuteKitten2C]

fantastic

[RunsonInsanity]

that was the best laugh I have had all day! Thanks!