a few jokes to share

07-02-2005, 09:20 PM

Eye Exam

A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examing his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."
The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"

The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."

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The bear and the rabbit

There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes.The bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest." And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, "I want a motercycle helmet." And he got his wish.

The bear went up and said, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female." And he got his wish.

The rabbit said, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet." And he got his wish.

The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." And he got his wish.

It was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "I wish that bear was gay."

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Ancient Chinese Torture

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

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Fix This

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well, then could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."

To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either sleep with him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"
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Mmm...Smells Good

What do a gynocologist and a pizza boy have in common?
They can smell it but they cant eat it!!
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There was a young girl who loved to wear ...

There was a young girl who loved to wear skirts everyday to school.
One day a boy asked her to climb the flag pole for a box of cookies.

She climbed the pole and all the boys in the schoolyard could see her panties.

When she got home she bragged to her mother that she got a box of cookies for climbing a flag pole. The mother knew that the boys just wanted to see up her skirt so she told the girl not to climb the pole again.

The next day the boy asked her to climb the pole for a box of candy. She did and they all saw her panties again.

When she went home she told her mother. Her mother was angry. She told the girl she shouldn't climb the pole. "They just want to see your panties and if you climb the pole again your grounded!"

The next day the same boy asked her to climb the pole for a box of doughnuts, so she climbed the pole again.

When she came home and told her mother what she got for climbing the pole, angrily she said, "I told you they only wanted to see your panties!"

"But mommy", the little girl answered, "this time I was smart enough not to wear any."
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Little Johnny is Number One

While the teacher was conducting her class, Little Johnny yells out, "Teacher, teacher, I have to take a piss." The teacher, shocked, replies "No, Johnny you may not because you did not raise your hand. And I will speak to your mother for using that word." So Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "Teacher, teacher, I have to pee!" The teacher turns and says to Little Johnny, the word is 'urinate' and you may not go to the bathroom right now. Little Johnny gets up to leave the room and says, "Teacher, teacher, urinate, but if you have bigger tits you'd be a ten."
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Move Over Little Johnny

Little Mary always fell asleep at Sunday school so the nun asked him, "Who was our Lord and Savior?" Little Johnny who sat behind her took out a pin and pokes her in the butt, making Mary yell "Jesus Christ!"
Very good says the teacher. Mary falls back asleep. So the nun wakes her back up and asks, "Who created the universe?" Little Johnny pokes her in the butt with a pin again, making Mary yell, "God Almighty!"

The teacher says very good. And unconvinced that Mary would stay awake, she asks Mary, "What did Eve say to Adam after giving birth?" Little Mary jumped out of her seat and yells, "If you shove that thing in me one more time I'm gonna break it in half and shove it down youre throat."

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B-Day Sex

Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck."
His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." Adam decided to to his friend's advice.

The next day at the bar his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," Adam replied.

"Did she like it?"

"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"

Geronimo · 07-03-2005, 12:43 AM

lol Move over Little Johny was the funniest I have ever read.

Gilgar · 07-03-2005, 12:48 AM

Classics and a few good new ones. I couldnt stop[ laughing.

RunsonInsanity · 07-03-2005, 03:10 AM

LMAO! these are so damn good! I have herad one or two of them, but they are so worth hearing again!

cybastov · 07-03-2005, 08:43 AM

the smells good one was class, alas I did not get the little johnny one.. I guess I am showing a bit of blonde roots I suppose

RunsonInsanity · 07-03-2005, 10:26 AM

I love Little Johnny! Always some funny shit going on with him!

07-02-2005, 09:20 PM	#1 (permalink)
omegaluke Guest Posts: n/a My Mood:	a few jokes to share Eye Exam A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examing his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating." The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?" The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The bear and the rabbit There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes.The bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest." And he got his wish. The rabbit said, "I want a motercycle helmet." And he got his wish. The bear went up and said, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female." And he got his wish. The rabbit said, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet." And he got his wish. The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." And he got his wish. It was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "I wish that bear was gay." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ancient Chinese Torture A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fix This A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now." He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so." "Well, then could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so." "Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break." "I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!" So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?" She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either sleep with him or bake him a cake." He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?" --------------------------------------------------------------- Mmm...Smells Good What do a gynocologist and a pizza boy have in common? They can smell it but they cant eat it!! ---------------------------------------------------------------- There was a young girl who loved to wear ... There was a young girl who loved to wear skirts everyday to school. One day a boy asked her to climb the flag pole for a box of cookies. She climbed the pole and all the boys in the schoolyard could see her panties. When she got home she bragged to her mother that she got a box of cookies for climbing a flag pole. The mother knew that the boys just wanted to see up her skirt so she told the girl not to climb the pole again. The next day the boy asked her to climb the pole for a box of candy. She did and they all saw her panties again. When she went home she told her mother. Her mother was angry. She told the girl she shouldn't climb the pole. "They just want to see your panties and if you climb the pole again your grounded!" The next day the same boy asked her to climb the pole for a box of doughnuts, so she climbed the pole again. When she came home and told her mother what she got for climbing the pole, angrily she said, "I told you they only wanted to see your panties!" "But mommy", the little girl answered, "this time I was smart enough not to wear any." --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Little Johnny is Number One While the teacher was conducting her class, Little Johnny yells out, "Teacher, teacher, I have to take a piss." The teacher, shocked, replies "No, Johnny you may not because you did not raise your hand. And I will speak to your mother for using that word." So Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "Teacher, teacher, I have to pee!" The teacher turns and says to Little Johnny, the word is 'urinate' and you may not go to the bathroom right now. Little Johnny gets up to leave the room and says, "Teacher, teacher, urinate, but if you have bigger tits you'd be a ten." --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Move Over Little Johnny Little Mary always fell asleep at Sunday school so the nun asked him, "Who was our Lord and Savior?" Little Johnny who sat behind her took out a pin and pokes her in the butt, making Mary yell "Jesus Christ!" Very good says the teacher. Mary falls back asleep. So the nun wakes her back up and asks, "Who created the universe?" Little Johnny pokes her in the butt with a pin again, making Mary yell, "God Almighty!" The teacher says very good. And unconvinced that Mary would stay awake, she asks Mary, "What did Eve say to Adam after giving birth?" Little Mary jumped out of her seat and yells, "If you shove that thing in me one more time I'm gonna break it in half and shove it down youre throat." --------------------------------------------------------------------------- B-Day Sex Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck." His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." Adam decided to to his friend's advice. The next day at the bar his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," Adam replied. "Did she like it?" "Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"

07-03-2005, 12:48 AM	#3 (permalink)
Gilgar Brandon 1st Blood, Part 2 Join Date: May 2005 Location: Missouri Age: 21 Posts: 2,499 My Mood:	Classics and a few good new ones. I couldnt stop[ laughing. __________________ A dragon you say? I poke him in the eye with my stick of pokeing +2 Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.

07-03-2005, 03:10 AM	#4 (permalink)
RunsonInsanity Krazed Addicted Master Join Date: May 2005 Location: Virginia Age: 29 Posts: 1,913 My Mood:	LMAO! these are so damn good! I have herad one or two of them, but they are so worth hearing again! __________________

07-03-2005, 08:43 AM	#5 (permalink)
cybastov kats' british boy toy Honorary Crazed Psycho Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: England Age: 36 Posts: 1,476 My Mood:	the smells good one was class, alas I did not get the little johnny one.. I guess I am showing a bit of blonde roots I suppose __________________ What doesn't kill you, merely prolongs the inevitable my page http://www.stov.co.uk

07-03-2005, 10:26 AM	#6 (permalink)
RunsonInsanity Krazed Addicted Master Join Date: May 2005 Location: Virginia Age: 29 Posts: 1,913 My Mood:	I love Little Johnny! Always some funny shit going on with him! __________________

07-03-2005, 12:43 AM	#2 (permalink)
Geronimo Krazed Addicted Master Join Date: May 2005 Location: Private Age: 34 Posts: 1,572 My Mood:	lol Move over Little Johny was the funniest I have ever read.

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